Swinesend

Swinesend, hallowed public school and home to all sorts of boys (and now girls), has for too long gone unnoticed. But thanks to this frank guide, those not lucky enough to have attended this extraordinarily preserved institution can now experience life as a Swinesian for themselves. Apart from its academic record, which is quite literally in a league of its own, everything you need to know about this unique institution is here, including: Sports: manly pursuits such as animal cruelty and 'Hackers' seal Swinesend's reputation as a school of hard knocks.

Culture: from the Combined Cadet Force Marching Band (described as 'a musical form of shock and awe') to the Self Abuse Society, a Swinesend education encourages all forms of self-expression. World-class facilities: from its online gaming site to its new Cage Fighting arena, Swinesend is hurling itself into the 21st century whilst maintaining its rich legacy. Heritage: ancient traditions such as 'Steg Burning' and `Toasting the Simpletons' are still cen